I Had Debilitating Anxious Attachment. Here's How I Healed It—And How I Help Others Do the Same.
Throughout my life I felt like I was simultaneously too much and not good enough. Like there was something about me that was inherently different, fundamentally flawed. Like God had made a mistake on the assembly line when it was my turn to be created.
That's what years of traumatic, life-altering experiences before I came of age will do to a person.
It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I realized something was seriously wrong. I was living in New York City, dating for the first time, and severely struggling. I met many men, went on many dates, and nothing came to fruition.
"I have over a thousand Tinder matches and still no boyfriend," I'd joke to coworkers through strained, self-deprecating laughs. But my dark nights alone at home were no laughing matter.
I didn't understand why the men I was most interested in seemed to take the least interest in me. How could I be so successful professionally and such a failure personally? How could I feel calm on my own but completely chaotic the moment a love interest entered the equation? I felt consumed by shame, haunted by low self-worth, and riddled with self-doubt.
Something was definitely not right. I just didn't know what.
For years I tried to put a name to it, blaming everything I could think of. Maybe it's my dysfunctional family dynamic. Maybe it's because I'm a boy who likes other boys. Maybe I'm just not the relationship type. These were well-intentioned but incomplete assessments.
Then I found the answer.
"Have you heard of attachment styles?" my therapist asked at the end of our first session.
"I remember reading something about that in one of my psychology courses," I said. "Why do you ask?"
"It seems like you might have an anxious attachment style," she said. "I think you should brush up on attachment theory."
I immediately followed her advice. What I discovered changed me forever.
For the first time in my life, everything made sense. The patterns, the fear, the shame, the way I kept ending up in the same place with different people. The crippling self-doubt. The desperate attempts to show affection so I wouldn't be abandoned. The emotionally unavailable men I kept choosing. All of it had an explanation. And more importantly, it had a solution.
Tears of a different kind flowed this time. Tears of relief. Tears of understanding. Tears of validation.
Identifying my attachment style was nothing short of a watershed moment—a seismic shift that instantly split my life into before and after. I realized that everything I'd ever questioned about myself had an explanation. That feeling anxious in relationships doesn't mean I'm needy or broken. That I learned to relate to others this way. And because I learned it, I could unlearn it too.
At that moment I made a pact with myself that I'd never stop talking about attachment theory. My biggest hope was that others wouldn't feel crazy, needy, or alone the way I had for so long.
In the years since, I've kept that promise. I left a decade-long career as head of social media for some of the world's most iconic magazines—Entertainment Weekly, Men's Health, and PEOPLE—to pursue this work full-time. I became an anxious attachment style coach and author; coached thousands of clients across six continents; built a TikTok community of over 150,000 people; hosted the Needy No More podcast; and wrote two books including Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment. My work has been published in TIME, Thrive Global, Medium, and Women's Health, and I've been featured on podcasts including We Met At Acme, SoulFeed, The Divorce Survival Guide, and Let's Talk Attachments.
These days I no longer look at myself as broken or defective. I know better than to call myself needy. I understand that healthy, secure relationships require me to open up, communicate, and show up—and I do. Attachment theory gave me these gifts. And it can do the same for you.
If you're ready to stop the cycle and start healing, I'd be honored to be your guide.